Why I Won't Read James Patterson, Stuart Woods, Or David Baldacci

 A wise man once told me "If betting on baseball was easy, everyone BUT Pete Rose would have done it." I imagine writing a book is similar. It's hard work just getting a book written and published. Much less written, published, and popular. But what about if you write on average 3 books a year over the course of 10 or 15 years? Switching back to baseball, that's be the equivalent of say; an American League pitcher going yard as many times for as many years. In the 5th grade, I traded off my Mark McGuire cards and for the same reasons I won't ever read James Patterson, Stuart Woods, Or David Baldacci.

Firstly, if you think Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds or any of those sluggers were hitting that many dingers on their own, please stop right now. They were no more hitting with that kind of unassisted power than I am. A certain team named the Houston Astros won more games when they knew what pitches were coming before the ball left the mound. There is definitive proof. With the same certainty, we can say Patterson, Woods and Baldacci are NOT writing their own books. If you think they are, please stop right now. They have a host of ghostwriters, assistant writers, or better writers to come in and take over franchises. They might write the outline...might...and then the team steps in and does the rest. Jimmy, Stew, and Dave are little more than the Designated Hitter (I'm looking at you David Ortiz)

Next, they're repetitive and predictable. You cannot tell me every, single, new book by any of the big names is completely original. Stats proved Jose Canseco was going to walk, strike out, or hit a homerun. He didn't single and legging out a double would have caused his ACLs to rupture like water balloons full of clean urine. Plots coming out of these page machines are just a predictable. The twist is going to come with about 50 pages left and it's going to blindside the main characters. Really? These folks are wise veterans aren't they? How have they not nailed the perpetrator in 100 pages? Either they aren't that good OR, we're all just being dragged through the mud patch for no reason.

Finally, there are just to many GOOD books to read. I'm not saying I don't enjoy serial fiction! My voting record for Walt Longmire as sheriff of Absaroka County is outstanding. Dave Robicheaux and I go to the same AA meetings (If I went to AA meetings). Likewise I got to see, in person, at least 3 of Sammy's dingers the year he broke the record, along with that other guy. Moral high ground is not mine to claim, but the moral ant hill is for the taking! And I will! There is simply too many good books out there to read instead of our big three, or any mass producing author. Pure and simple. Even lesser known authors with lots of books are worth more of your time. They might actually have written the book you're reading instead of handing it off to a 20-something with an MFA from a sub-Ivy who finds reading what they write painful but keeps doing it for the paycheck

If you pulled for Barry Bonds from his days as a double machine with the Pirates, you can get a pass. If you've read every book written by your favorite of the big three, my hat is off to you. That's a lot of reading. If you have not, please do not feel obligated. Just like there are your OBP leaders Kevin Youkilis (the Greek God Of Walks), Hank Aaron, and Cal Ripken Jr (both in the top five for doubles), there are your writers like Brain Panowich, Chris Harding Thornton, John Vercher, Chris Offutt, Donald Ray Pollock, Craig Johnsons, and Ace Atkinses out there hitting doubles and singles. Save some money on both your fantasy baseball team, and your book budget. Read them!